look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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