You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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