Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
