my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
