youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
