**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
