He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
