Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
