everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
