Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You peed on a flamingo?!?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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