I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
