Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
