No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
