Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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