Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
