At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
