my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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