He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
