My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
