operation harelip BJ is a go
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
