Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
