Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
