bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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