I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
