he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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