Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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