i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
