I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So here I am, sexting at work.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
