Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
