Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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