Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
