You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
