"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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