omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
