I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
