Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
