is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
