I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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