I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
