I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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