Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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