ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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