I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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