the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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