my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
