I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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