Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
