You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
