My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
