so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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