Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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