I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
