I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
