Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
