I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
