My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
