oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
