every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
