Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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