Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
