Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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